Checks and Imbalance

Author, Matt Patterson shares his testimony about how his family left the LDS Church...

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Growing up in Maryland as a very busy and active 12-year old, I really didn't see it coming.

I came home one summer afternoon and there they were. Two young men wearing white shirts and ties in our living room talking to my mom and sister. I paid no attention to it. I'd come home everyday and there they were again. A couple weeks later, I found myself sitting down and "listening" to them. Hey, I was 12 - I was lucky to absorb one-third of what they were saying or teaching. Before I knew it though - I was Mormon.

I was raised Baptist and basically went every Sunday - only because my mom said I had to. My father wouldn't come with us. Religion or things of a spiritual nature were not a priority for him. So, when I was told we were going to be baptized and changing churches, it really didn't make too much sense to me. I always went to church with them, so I figured I would continue to just follow along.

We were baptized and the years passed, I would later come to recognize the classic battle of Faith vs. Works. As a member of the LDS church, I would "check things off," so to say. I attended every Sunday. Check. I progressed in the priesthood. Check. I went to an LDS college - Brigham Young University. Check. I went on to serve a two-year mission to Madrid Spain. Check. I paid my tithing. Check. I got married in the temple. Check. I held positions of responsibility. Check. I was what they call a very "active" member. In my three-plus decades in the Mormon church, I came to realize that there is so much pressure to do so much that when you miss just one "check" - you feel like a complete and absolute failure.

More than 13 years ago, we had an opportunity to move from a very rural area of Michigan to Arizona - an absolute hotbed for LDS membership. We were excited. We would get to live and worship among our own. We were coming from a congregation of 30 or 40 to one of 800-plus. 

This was going to make things great, right?

When we arrived in what I jokingly call, "Mormotopia" our children were ages 10 and 8. We thought that this would be such a wonderful opportunity for them. Our kids could go to school with children they went to church with. Thing is, as they grew older - they weren't in the clique. Girls can be girls, but the treatment reached points where our daughters would come home in tears because of things said and done to them. I do realize that this can happen at any church -  yours, mine and anyone’s. It got to a point in the last couple years where neither of our daughters wanted anything to do with the LDS church or with Christ for that matter. Our youngest actually began to participate in destructive behavior. It broke our hearts. Why would they want to attend a church where they weren't wanted? I have to say, I agreed.

For some five or six years, my wife and I questioned where we needed to be. Should we move to another area of the valley so we could attend another congregation? For information purposes, LDS congregations are based on your geographical locations.  Members cannot attend other Wards that are outside your ward's boundaries.

We "did it all" so to say, but after 23 years of marriage and "doing it all," why were we so unhappy? Weren't our "works" going to bless us? It seemed like we had all the "check marks." So, for what I would say, three years, we would put on that wonderful Sunday game face and we, as a couple, still went to our meetings. Although feeling like the worst possible parents this earth could possess. And we were asked each and every Sunday, "So, where are the girls?" Our hearts ached. It only increased our feelings of inadequacy as parents.

My wife and I have prayed so very hard for both our daughters. Neither was happy. Both were angry. It would be a short time later that a friend invited our youngest daughter to his church - a Bible Church. As far as I was concerned, if she wanted to attend a church – any church – I was all for it! She began to attend the high school student program on Wednesday nights. We saw a change. She was happy. She was around good kids. She was making new friends. She told us she wanted to go to church with this friend on Easter. We had actually driven past this particular church many times saying, "You know, we should stop in there sometime." We had no problem whatsoever with her attending this particular Sunday and actually asked if we could tag along. She gave her approval and we promised not to embarrass her. It’s a teenager thing.

This Easter Sunday changed our lives - maybe our resurrection of sorts. The meeting was full of song and a message that was positive. It was different. We left the church feeling good - maybe even optimistic. The following Sunday, the message that day brought about a very simple question - Do you practice a religion or do you have a relationship with Christ? My wife and I both turned to each other almost simultaneously - knowing the answer. We knew where we have been - a place where your spirituality is based on all that you do or have done or practicing a religion. It was just like practicing medicine or practicing law.

After that Sunday, we have never looked back. Each message ever since, we believe, has been meant for us in our conversion to Christ. We feel so very, very free of an emotional and spiritual bondage and so full of Christ's love. I liken it to having the weight of the world lifted off our shoulders.

Please keep in mind that when you live in an area that has a great deal of LDS members - it is truly a "community," even a culture. It's beyond a congregation. You miss two Sundays - murmuring begins. It's a network. Don't get me wrong - it's nice to know you're missed or asked if you need anything. But it seemed like you couldn't breathe at times.

Since we have left, people we consider friends are now, for the lack of a better word, acquaintances. In defense of a handful, they were and still are genuinely concerned. Some family members who know of our change are happy for us - and yes, they're LDS. Some family members are less than thrilled. They think it’s a phase for us.

I've learned that we truly must love one another, as Christ taught. Our words and actions can truly pierce the heart and soul of another. It's my prayer we be mindful and prayerful before we speak and act. I realize what happened to us can happen at any church.

This awakening of ours also shed light on many practices and doctrine that we today look at each other and say, "What were we thinking?" Mind you, I earned and spent my own money to go and preach this "gospel" or doctrine for two years in Spain. Our eyes were open, but we couldn't see. We were taught principles and taught to accept them. Not to question authority - part of the "culture" I previously mentioned. You do not go outside the circle of influence to investigate materials that taught otherwise. 

Here and Now

The best way we, as Christians, can share the gospel with our LDS friends and neighbors is to be good Christians.  I have since been fortunate enough to meet others who have left the church and have confirmed some of my doubts in the doctrine. Their testimonies and courage strengthen me greatly.

Our oldest daughter - now 22 - has yet to attend with us. Her hurt and anger is still very deep at the LDS church and God. We pray each and every day for her heart to soften and to attend with us so she can ask for help and forgiveness - to clean her house, so to speak. The sad thing is, she is one of the most caring, sensitive, generous and giving young women you would ever meet. And just because of immature ridicule and exclusion from those who actually shared her beliefs, her heart and spirit were scarred.

As I close this - I ask, "Who would've known?" The person who was so hurt and angry at God and who was living a destructive life, would be the one who would lead us to a spiritual freedom that has truly changed our lives. It is through faith in Jesus Christ and not by "check marks" or works that we are saved and welcomed into his kingdom. We are eternally grateful for her inspired change and allowing us to follow in her footsteps. I only wish we had found this love, happiness and freedom long before.

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A native of Baltimore, Maryland, Matt Patterson is an award-winning writer, editor and communications professional. His two-plus decades of experience include public and media relations, as well as print and broadcast journalism. He volunteers his time to helping organizations and charities dedicated to assisting families with children who have special needs or those battling pediatric cancers. Matt resides in Arizona with his wife, Bonnie, and two daughters, Lauren and Kimberly.

You can find his book, "My Emily", on Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/My-Emily-Matt-Patterson/dp/1449951554/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1329957286&sr=8-1

"This book tells the story of a hurting family, an amazing little girl and a mysteriously faithful God. Emily wasn't born perfect - so one might think. She was born with Down Syndrome and many would jump to the conclusion that she would have very little hope for a life with any significance. Two years later came the diagnosis of leukemia. What little hope remaining turned to no hope whatsoever - or so one might think. The life of this little girl, with all its perceived imperfections, had great meaning. Her loving nature and courage touched the hearts of everyone she met. She also taught them how to value their own lives - even with their many "imperfections.""